A bit broken in both worlds.....

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May 2012

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May 28 - Memorial Day

[Persis Ishtari]

I am writing here...opening my heart. Please do not judge to harshly as i am a bit personal -  maybe i shouldnt, but i wonder if others know the feeling i am full off or can halp me back on track again?

I started in rp after a brake. Before i roleplayed a FW, so it was new to me. I had read Captures and wanted to be the new El-in-or and i did for a time, but now i am just Umbra - another slave of Minus really.

I have been there for 8 months. Never had a Master. Never seeked one because i have wanted to be just me....

It has been a time for my character to develope to what she is now. Umbra has been fighting and avoiding the slavery, she submitted but had a bit freedom in her soul too. She then learned to love her slavery and to be a slut, actually a rather naughty slut as well. She has been captured and spend a week in a horrible GE sim and have returned home again.

I have been very true to Gor, i havent been in IM much, never in group chat really - but very focused on being in game always. This means i have been alone much, as i wanted my roleplay to be very realistic - to really BE Umbra.

Umbras life in Gor has been harsh....as a slave of Gor was - both physically and mentally - the hardest of this, has been the verbal humiliations, the telling to her, she is a nobody, a nothing
A lot has been roleplay and a lot has been ooc comments between the lines, telling me the writer, they dont like Umbras ways. Its often the never ending kneeling or not kneeling issue, but also my looks are commented, my clothes, my bad english and so on.

All of this has slowly gotten to me in rl without i have notized it really. Slowly i have started to pick on myself and pull myself apart. Though good frinds has told me i am ok, I have been thinking i needed a new skin as i am ugly. I should really not be in Gor as i am a horrible roleplayer, my english isnt good enough, i should just leave it and let the natives have peace from me....

A few days ago i went to another BTB sim, as a FW, thinking maybe i should be that again, as it was here i started.
I was to my own surprice taken down rather quickly by panthers though, and taken to their camp. Here i was mentally humiliated for like 2 hours by two very sharp women, before being handed over to a man. Thinking back, i should have stooped but i carried on....its just rp right?

Here the rp continued and i was whipped very harshly with a bulls whip, the skin of my back ruined before i faded to black (fainted) -  a roleplay that took another 2 hours - and here i should have stepped back again - simply logged. But no its just rp....
A woman took me then and wanted to throw salt over my back and we had an ic argument, where she again emoted how worthless and useless i am...and to cut is short, she emoted like 10 lines of how she placed a dagger on my throat and killed me.
At that time it was 2 am in the night, i felt ok and i went to bed. But the next day i didnt feel ok - and i do not now eighter...

When i look back...the time of never getting an approving kiss, a warm hug, a gentle stroke over the hair, not having a 'somebody' to tell me, i didnt do wrong when i was told i did, together with the killing has all been way too much. I have played my role way too deep, i have been a total idiot.

The good thing is, that i am pretty sure i by heart know now, what it means to brake a slave, because now i simply cant rp being anything but a cookie cutter - i cant take more harsness really....which i loved so much before!

I know this is very personal, but i need some response from you....from others who have tired the same maybe? Some who can help me see a way out of it, other then to leave Gor? And also...most importantly of all, I hope others will not do as me - to be so stupid and naive!

If you wonder why i go around in silence in Minus just observing really, it is because i feel a bit like a ghost and i 'fear' rp for now. I fear punishment or to be further humiliated for who and what i am, be that ic as well as ooc.

Please....What are your thoughts...i know i was a fool, but have you suggestions for my future? Own experiences? Or do you think i should simply go to a Winnie the poo - sim and rp there so i can get some kisses and a bit of cuddling too

[Moon Firegrave]

It takes courage to post this message and I commend you for reaching out and being so open. I hope you find your sunshine again in both worlds, *hugs you*

[dana Tehani]

I'm really really sad that SL is making you feel this way. I wonder if your rl is putting you down now and youre just letting anything affect you. I like your rp and I think you have great great english. PLEASE dont listen to those who say you dont. If they diont want to rp with you, oh well.. you be yourself and have your fun. I do think if its making you sad you might do with a few days break. Nothing wrong with talking in IMs and getting ooc support from friends.

Btw you never have to spend time capped in a GE sim.. never! you have the right to tp out. 

[Shikhandi Panthar]

Honestly?

Take a break from Gor, or SL in general. I am firmly convinced people should do that more often, and avoid the slight insanity of identifying themselves too much with their avatar / character / story-line or putting up with OOC jerks.

If I'm willing to be in-world, it's to take some pleasure, one way or another: RPing the Gor way with great-looking avatars, chatting freely with total strangers, shopping amazing smoke stuff with derisory solid money, etc… This whole thing, in a way, works like a drug and most of us geeks playing on SL Gor, consciously or not, tend to get very much overwhelmed by a sort of delicious addiction to it.

The sad story is that when things turn sour, when the "good trip" turns into a nightmare, we still get a pang and keep coming for our fix when, in truth, we should screw it and spend our assets --money, and above all time-- on other more valuable and perhaps more pleasurable things. Try RL: it's accessible without a computer or smartphone.

Srsly: good luck to you, Persis.

[serene mistwood]

I agree with Shikhandi - the moment SL becomes so serious as to affect your mental health, which in effect i would say it is beginning to do, its time to take a step back, take a few breaths and get things back in perspective. 

but now i am just Umbra - another slave of Minus really.

This to me speaks volumes.  Kajira are supposed to be full of beautiful feminine pride blended with feminine submission. Gorean men dont want beaten down, broken slaves, they want slaves who are alive with fire and passion.  Dont allow yourself to BE just another slave or become broken Umbra - because a few people tell you that you arent acting the way they want you to act.  As for the ones commenting on how you look or how your english is.  I would just tell them politely to look at themselves before judging others. 

IC you have to get used to the insults and being told you are nothing and no-one, thats part of the role.  But a gorean kajira wouldnt let that bother her.  To take it personally to the depth you seem to have done shows me you are very sensitive and maybe Gor isnt the right place for you to play the slave role.  At least not right now.

" 'There is a difference' laughed Hassan, 'between the pride of a free woman and the pride of the slave girl. The pride of a free woman is the pride of a woman who feels herself to be the equal of a man. The pride of the slave girl is the pride of the girl who knows that no other woman is the equal of herself.' "
Tribesmen of Gor

The reason I posted that quote?  There will always be conflict between Free and Slave in Gor.  Just being a slave girl would be enough of a reason for a free woman to get mad and attack, with no other cause needed or given.   Slaves dont grow a thick skin to ignore it, they flower and blossom and reslish their freedom letting insults roll right off their back, knowing what they are, and what they are not.. more than anyone else on Gor. 

Take some time out..  and come back when it can be fun again.  I wish you love.

[JF Kanto]

I too agree that a bit of a break from at least Gor if not SL can be helpful You might explore other parts of SL, there is a multitude of things to do in SL.  Then when you are ready come back to Gor in whatever role is comfortable for you.

When it comes to those that make ooc comments either in IMs or emotes, just remember it is not your fault.  In fact they are showing their own level of immaturity by not being able to differentiate between IC/OOC.  It saddens and angers me that we seem to have more than our fair share of asshats in Gor who seem to think that can dictate to someone oocly.  I dont understand the whipping and killing you experienced unless you had done something to deserve it, the whole thing did not sound very BtB to me. 

[Elle Couerblanc]

I have been in your shoes, not in gor though but in other communities within SL.  If you feel your virtual life effecting your Real life in a negative way, its time for a break.  Over the span of 4 years I think I have deliberately not logged for a week or more 3 times.  The time off will you do some good I promise you and it may even rejuvinate your love for this virtual world.   But please do not let this place break your spirt ever!

I haven't had a chance to meet you in world and I do hope at some point I have the pleasure of meeting  you IC and OOC.

Hugs to you
Elle

[Isabella Bergiere]

I have been very true to Gor, i havent been in IM much, never in group chat really - but very focused on being in game always. This means i have been alone much, as i wanted my roleplay to be very realistic - to really BE Umbra.

This part jumped out at me specifically.

I know lots of people do this but in your case I don't think it's helping.  A slaves life - particular a Minus or city slaves role -  is hard and harsh but you have all of us here ooc for some support and affection.


A break might be the best thing for you, agree with the others and please do drop me an IM anytime -  perhaps you might have more fun being a high slave to a spoiled scribe - could even free you after that and you know that Treve is the least likely place for any silly panthers to cap a FW.

[Tarlyn Dagger]

:winces and growls softly under her breath, reading... not at you, Umbra but for what you've gone through.

Please don't -ever- hesitate to message one of us, or ask if you feel that things aren't going well.  One of our roles as Council is to make sure that people find their niche, and are -happy- in their role.

I realize you said you're not in IM's much, and I applaud your dedication in wanting to follow things through, but please know - as always, ears are always open, and if you need someone to talk to, by all means poke me, or come find me IC.

I will be glad to help.  Most importantly however, do what keeps you safe and happy.

We'll be here when you're ready to return.

 ~ T

[lizzy Starfall]

Girl!  Don't let those people intimidate you! Your English sounds great to me. Keep reading the books as time permits. The more you read and learn how things looked on Gor, how the people spoke, what foods and drinks were prepared, etc, the easier it will be to role play them and slowly you will develop your beautiful character.

Gor is about love and you have to give love in order to receive it. Its not about being perfect.

You need to come on over to Fina and hang out at the tavern with me! We'll have a blast!

[Elle Couerblanc]

:winces and growls softly under her breath, reading... not at you, Umbra but for what you've gone through.

Please don't -ever- hesitate to message one of us, or ask if you feel that things aren't going well.  One of our roles as Council is to make sure that people find their niche, and are -happy- in their role.

I realize you said you're not in IM's much, and I applaud your dedication in wanting to follow things through, but please know - as always, ears are always open, and if you need someone to talk to, by all means poke me, or come find me IC.

I will be glad to help.  Most importantly however, do what keeps you safe and happy.

We'll be here when you're ready to return.

 ~ T

Ditto from me as well.  I am the fairly new First Girl and I am not on as much during your Time Zone.  Feel free to IM me - I do get offlines and can return them via email. 
Hugs to you.

[Rhylee Resident]

Hey Persis,

I am so sorry to hear you're having a rough time. And, I would hope it only gets better. I have often said to people, when -this (SL) brings real life distress to you on any level perhaps it is time to step back and take a breather from it. It simply is not worth any real life emotional pain. While we all, from time to time, let SL seep in a little deeper than it should...just keep perspective and know it has no bearing on your real life. Should you cry, feel sick, overly angered or depressed over a virtual world...I think logging off for a few days is the key.

As for critism of others on the way you RP or how well you speak english, no one is perfect! We all have good days and bad. English is my only language and there are days I flub it so badly. Mostly, I speak typonese!  

While I'm no longer kennel mistress and don't keep up with your where abouts, you know where to find me! Come and play, we can typo together and have a good laugh.

xx Rhy  

[Hawt Sommer]

A few days ago i went to another BTB sim, as a FW, thinking maybe i should be that again, as it was here i started.
I was to my own surprice taken down rather quickly by panthers though, and taken to their camp. Here i was mentally humiliated for like 2 hours by two very sharp women, before being handed over to a man. Thinking back, i should have stooped but i carried on....its just rp right?

Here the rp continued and i was whipped very harshly with a bulls whip, the skin of my back ruined before i faded to black (fainted) -  a roleplay that took another 2 hours - and here i should have stepped back again - simply logged. But no its just rp....
A woman took me then and wanted to throw salt over my back and we had an ic argument, where she again emoted how worthless and useless i am...and to cut is short, she emoted like 10 lines of how she placed a dagger on my throat and killed me.
At that time it was 2 am in the night, i felt ok and i went to bed. But the next day i didnt feel ok - and i do not now eighter...

I've played out some of the gruesome and horrific things being in GE for about two years, digits removed, skinned alive, burned alive and don't know how many times I've been castrated maybe 12 times?~   Understand that  GE =  Fucked Up .   Do not let the Online freaks of the world take advantage of you like that again.   It's your second life and you have 100% control of it.  If someone doesn't like anything about you, they can find someone else to play with.  Remove yourself from their presence.

Roleplay Limits should say: 

• I do not play with Non-Btb Sims or Panthers (Most of the time they are one in the same)
• My limits equal your own

With these added I think you will have a better experience.

I've seen your avatar in the distance and found it actually quite attractive and don't think you should ever change a thing.   Fall back on the people in the Treve groups like it was suggested.  I've had good experiences with their people months ago when I was spending a lot of my time there.

[Elle Couerblanc]

I'll make a point to log in earlier on Saturday probably around 8 or 9 am SLT.  I am not sure what time that is for you but I'll send you an IM if you want to come RP with me or just go shopping

[Shyla Timeless]

Persis,

I've always liked you and felt comfortable rping with you.  You seem sweet and I hate hearing you are having a difficult time.  What concerns me more than anything else is the title: A bit broken in BOTH worlds.  Yeah, I read that to mean you are hurting in active role play and a bit in your real daily life.  IF the role play is causing you grief in reality, step back and take a break.  Time away to clear your mind, heart and get settled again in YOUR REAL skin before you dive back into SL.  

Run barefoot in the grass.  Take a few deep breaths.  Spend some time with your friends.  

In time, you will regain confidence and I have no doubt you will come back with your muffin boobies (I read the story a while back about you and Ely with the muffins or something like that ...) and pretty smile in place.

Last point, your avi is lovely.  Tell the moron who suggested you were unattractive to take a long walk off a short bridge.  An avi is just that - an av.  YOUR beauty - inner and outer - rules.  

Smile and be strong.

Shyla